Trial by Fire

God works in mysterious ways.

This morning, I told myself, "no matter what, I'm going to church.". I decided that it was time to stop procrastinating and make sure I made it to the house of the Lord. I didn't really feel like driving to my normal church, so I decided to go to my pastor's son's church. I figured we're all in the same faith, teaching the same doctrine (which is Apostolic, by the way) it shouldn't be much difference. Boy, was I wrong. I was greeted by many of the church members and they showed me hospitality, which I was grateful for, but there was something that didn't quite connect for me in the service. For starters, the praise team all donned this "futuristic swag" style of clothing. The praise team leader had the nerve to be rocking a studded belt, belt chains and some Vans in the pulpit. All matching his black skinny jeans, red button up and skinny black tie. Yea, he looked decent alright...but NOT FOR CHURCH!

I don't know the religious beliefs of those of you who kindly take time out of your day to read my blog, but "come as you are" doesn't really always refer to your clothing. Especially not when you know better. In my opinion, when one enters a place of worship, it is respectful to come dressed in modest attire. You can still be matched and look nice, but you don't have to be an eyesore for the entire church. Leave the crazy outfits for the club. No matter what you believe, it has to be admitted that what people wear in church can be a distraction to how you accept what's going on at the time. In other words, sometimes, people and their nonsense can block you from your blessing.

In all that, I do digress from my point.

I was raised in Holiness. I was taught certain Christian values that I will never forget. Yet, somewhere along the line, I left it. I won't say I lost my faith, because I still believe God to be a mighty force in my life and I know he is my strength...so no faith lost. I did, however, lose sight in the blessing on my life. I backslid...and now I'm faced with the very difficult issue of trying to come back to my first love in Christ Jesus.

I prayed tonight, I pray many nights, but tonight was different because I really needed help in my spirit. You see, over the past few months I've become a very angered and distraught person. I am easily irritated, quick to go-off, and dejected from how people feel. That kind of person is not who I really am. I'm a very nice person, I love people and I have a general concern for everyone and everything. I'm usually not easily angered or offended and would rather settle an issue wisely than with verbal or physical abuse.

As my prayer ended, I was lead to open my bible and read from Matthew 12. As I began to read I came to verses 43-45, which reads:

43 "When the unclean spirit is gone out of a man, he walketh through dry places, seeking rest, and findeth none."
44 "Then he saith, I will return into my house from whence I came out; and when he is come he findeth it empty, swept, and garnished."
45 "Then goeth he, and taketh with himself seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter in and dwell there: and the last state of that man is worse than the first. Even so shall it be also until this wicked generation."


I didn't completely understand the passage, so I called my grandmother. I read the verses back to her and before I could ask my question, she answered it. She told me that it was about a backslider and how the spirit of God is no longer in them so that leaves room for unclean spirits to come in. Even if they are able to get rid of one, more come and are worse and stronger than the others. They'll never find rest or peace until they allow God back into their hearts.

Blew me away...

If that wasn't the EXACT thing I was just praying about?!

I was so shocked, I became nervous, a little spooked out if you will. It explains so much. Once you let go of God and allow yourself to go about living without his protection, you subject yourself to whatever spirits you let come in. The feeling of anger that I have is apparently a replacement of something that I let go of before. The problem is, there's other things in my life now that I have to get rid of too. In essence, the issue is; until you give it over to God. You'll never get rid of all those "bad" things that haunt you, because for everyone gone, seven more come. That's a freaky thought, but if that ain't real enough for you, I don't know what is.

I have to go through something to be helpful for someone else. So, if this is my trial (which I brought upon myself, by the way) then I have to push through it and come out better. The fire is hot, but it burns away the imperfections.

I just want to be right again. I'm broken and I need to be fixed. Bear with me guys.