Can't Explain the Unexplained

Where do I start really...?

I have Loso's Way playing, "I Miss My Love", it's fitting for how I feel right now. How many times can you start over before you're all out of tries...before you're out of strength? At some point, your heart stops breaking and just bleeds out. You give up trying, because trying hasn't gotten you anywhere. As songs switch and "Disappear" by Beyonce' plays, the feeling becomes more certain. What did I know then, that I don't know now?

To begin with, we never listen to our "gut feeling". As women we often think too much with our hearts and silence our minds in clouds of bliss. That is, until that bliss turns into lonely nights and crying eyes. I guess, I can't really blame him for what happened (I mean I could) but that wouldn't teach me anything. No matter what happens in life and love, we must learn to heal our wounds and move on. Which brings me back to the idea of bleeding out. I've become so open to my emotions that I'm raw to even the slightest feeling. There's next to nothing there anymore, I've heard people use the term "emotionally raped" and although I find it to be a very strong way to put it, I can truthfully relate to that feeling. I have nothing else to give to you.

By nature, I'm a dreamer...I keep this idea in my head that allows me to look at things more smoothly. Yet, as we are all aware, reality is harsh, and waking up to a heavy heart will take a toll on you. Sometimes, I feel that my only escape is through the creativity of my mind---> so I blog. My other option is sleep. I haven't grown too keen to the option of actually tackling this issue head on yet. Truthfully, I really don't even know if I'm prepared to handle it.

It's in the past...and maybe it should stay there...but I keep revisiting old feelings like they'll make me feel new again.

How could he be so heartless.....??

So, I told myself...it's okay, you'll get over it. Well truth is, it's now weeks even months later, and I'm not really over it. I'm sure you may be wondering, wtf I'm talking about. Wellllll....I was talking to a guy who was a different kind of guy for me (i.e. not like the others) and I don't say that in the loose term that people use when they don't know what else to say about someone. He really was very different than any other guy I had been with before. Possibly, because he was older, more established and had accomplished things in his life. I was attracted to his tenacity, his past, his story, his passions...HIM. Just for backgrounds' sake, I'm a hopeless romantic and I believe that love is the strongest emotion one can have...except when that love turns into hate (but thats another blog topic altogther) Anyway, we talked for over a year, everything was good. Granted any relationship of any sort will have its ups & downs...we were no different. BUT then one day...I guess I said something that he didn't like...and he disappeared, literally.


Normally, under any other circumstances I probably wouldn't have cared, because I too have pulled the "now you see me, now you don't" on a couple of guys...but NOT after I've spent a frickin' year and half with them. What.the.eff, yo??!! Was I not worth an explaination to you? Did I do something so wrong that you just felt it necessary to see me Monday and forget me by Wednesday?? That hurt me to my core...I didn't cry tho. Not because "I'm too strong to cry" but because honestly, I think I saw it coming. Somewhere during that time, I knew he would eff me over, but you never listen to that little voice in your head...which sucks because that voice knows wtf its talking about lol

I will say this though, he kinda ruined my faith in men. No, I don't think all men are dogs, no I don't think they are all liars and cheaters...but I do think we're all human and none of us are above doing someone dirty. That very thought petrifies me. I want to love, I want to make breakfast in the morning, I want fix soup when he's sick, encourage him when he's down, support his endeavors, share his happiness, be everything to him that I would want a man to be to me. Guess it's just not my time. All I know is, that time better hurry up before I become a bitterfaced b*tch. lol (not really) I'm still a lover...i guess.


Yea, I needed to get that off my heart. It's been suppressed for months now.

Waamp Waaaamp

Morning world!!!

So, today was one of those days where you wake up and don't really feel like yourself. Not bad...not necessarily good either but just "blaah"...yep, I'm there. This year has been rough (for reasons that not even a blog can handle) but I'm still here and I'm still standing. Besides, sh*t happens..right?? No need to cry and bitch about it..although, I'm sure I probably will anyway. I'm one of those people that will always have an opinion about everything...and I like that about me, because people like that usually know what they want in life. So, if you're opinionated take this moment to pat yourself on the back ::pat pat:: I turned 23 in February...the 28th to be exact and I swear, this has been the year for me to DISCOVER, LEARN, and EMBRACE who I am as an individual as well as a growing woman. No perfections found here....I'm full of flaws...and I'm okay with that (well, for the most part lol) Also, I think some insecurities are good. They can drive you to become a better person, whereas some insecurites (if not handled correctly) can consume you and ruin the person you are to become. So, I say all that to say this LOVE YOURSELF. Love your big forehead, short hair, long hair, nappy hair, stringy hair, big feet, little feet, big ears, big lips, big nose, moles, unibrows, cockeyes, braces, crooked teeth, underbites, overbites, scars, bumps, bruises, bow-legs, pigeon toes, knock-knees, and everything else. I would've listed stank breath but THAT's a fixable and unacceptable flaw lmao.

Anywho....
I just felt it necessary to leave that little "jewel" of wisdom...

...and I'm out --->